Have you ever felt powerless, a sense of having no control over the circumstances you find yourself in?
This feeling can be caused by any number of things, from having no plan or goals in place to map your own direction to other people and their behaviour towards you.
The second of these examples is what we will focus on here, as it is a common situation in many aspects of our lives - dealing with other people's behaviour and attitudes at work, in business transactions, in our family lives, etc. In these situations, we can come across a whole raft of personalities, attitudes and behaviours that either complement our own (we then often forge friendships, collegial support or positive intimate relationships) or create conflict in our lives.
I can hear you say Yes! That happens to me at work. So what is happening in this scenario and what can you do about it?
Here is an example I have experienced. I will talk through this scenario, then we will explore ways to deal with these behaviours, attitudes and personalities that are often so opposed to our own.
Scenario
In a past work life, I had the displeasure of working with a colleague whom I believed111C had little interest or respect for other people. They communicated this by speaking arrogantly to people who were not working in the same level of job position within the organisation, using put-downs, ignoring you if the mood took them, and most frustrating of all, who would address the senior person in a meeting in response to a question or comment I had made to them! Grrrr.
Thankfully I did not have to work with this person on a daily basis. But when I was in meetings with them, I would end up feeling extremely aggravated and insulted - and yes, experience a pervasive sense of powerlessness to be able to do anything about their behaviour and how it made me feel.
And I would describe myself as a reasonably assertive person.
Have you ever felt like this? Maybe you have found a way to cope with a) the person or b) the feeling of powerlessness you experience as a result or c) both?
Here is one technique I learned to use whenever I dealt with this particular person at work. And I have found it is a technique that is easily transferable to using with other people and areas in my life. It is not rocket science and you may have come across a similar idea before now - but do you use it?
There are actually three parts to this technique, so read on.......
1. Prepare Beforehand
If you know or have experienced the behaviour from that person before, then be assured they will seldom change how they behave and communicate; because this is (or has become) part of their personality.
The advantage you have is knowing this and putting in place for yourself some strategies that will help you.
For example, deciding that if they let the telephone interrupt a meeting you are having with them, you are prepared to ask them to divert the phone calls until the meeting is finished. You do not have to tell them or demand they do this; an assertive request is far more likely to be heard and listened to, therefore acted upon. Yes, you are the person having to be assertive, but we already know that the other person does not communicate assertively.
2. Respect Your Rights
You have the right to ask for the phone to be diverted or switched off. You have the right to be spoken to civilly. You have the right to be spoken to directly, not selectively ignored.
When you want the other person to change their behaviour towards you, you need to constantly remind yourself of your rights, all the way through the interaction with them.
As you do this, use I-statements. For example, instead of saying:
You should have turned off the phone before we started the meeting
Try saying something like:
I would appreciate it if you would turn the phone off until we have finished out meeting
3. Dealing With Your Feelings Later
For all of your assertive communication, you can sometimes still come out of a meeting feeling angry or insulted. But I tell you, if you approach the situation - and therefore the person - assertively, you hold on to your own power. Yes, you may still have some negative feelings, but being able to say to yourself - I handled that well; I held on to my values and I communicated assertively - is far healthier than the self message - I always feel so powerless; I wish I had said....
And to finish off, go and talk to someone you trust about it to release all that pent up frustration - that is healthy!
There are numerous assertive communication techniques available to you to practice with and use in situations where you would like to regain control and your personal power. These are just a couple of ideas that may just help you.
Footnote
If you have experienced a feeling of powerlessness in a similar or other situation and you have discovered a way of dealing with it, I would love to hear from you. I am putting together a booklet of ideas and feedback I receive from people (citing them as the author of their idea/s of course). I see this as a great tool to share with each other and with people who find themselves in these situations and don't know what to do.
So, if you have an idea or strategy you would like to share, let me know about them!
2008 Lesley Petersen
Lesley has worked10FA and taught in the personal development field for over 20 years. Her website Positively You offers you plenty more information, ideas and advice on strategies for making decisions, identifying your priorities, how to create a positive, fulfilling life for yourself and much more. Positively You is a website about people and for people who want to improve their life and find solutions for their personal and professional lives.
Visit http://www.positivelyou.com today and sign up for her Free Mini-course as well as explore the other opportunities available to you.
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